My Mental Health Journey

I came to Canada 12 years ago from Chengdu, China, as a high school student, and slowly made Ontario my home. I went to school in North Bay, where I got familiar with life (somewhat) up north. Then I moved to London, Ontario, for my graduate school training at Western University, followed by postdoctoral training in neuroscience in Ottawa. Finally, I am now settling in Mississauga. Like many people here, I have gone through the whole immigrant journey, from completely "fresh off the boat" to truly feeling like I belong to this part of the world. 

It isn't news that mental health is not part of my natural comfort zone. I grew up with the mindset that feelings are to be overcome and controlled instead of embraced, for the purpose of achievements and accolades. I also grew up with the idea that there is a set path or a singular standard to success and happiness. There is still a part in me that conforms to these ideas, but over the past 12 years, I have been learning that there is so much more in the world that I do not yet understand. My idea of mental health also evolved along this path. I used to think that there is a rigid image of what a "mentally healthy" life looks like - someone who is always confident, regulated, and excels at self-discipline. Then I realized that I may never be that - I am often anxious, irrational, and suck at self-discipline.  I struggled with not wanting to feel broken but also struggling to let go of the "I am broken" idea. Perhaps it offered some sense of predictability. 

The bubble started to crack as I met more people and had deeper relationships with them. Turns out, we are all on the same "broken boat," and we all are craving some sort of salvation. Maybe if I heal from this condition and get better at that skill, I will finally feel enough.  I was scared of challenging this "broken to salvation" story  - what if I lose my motivation to improve myself? What if I become complacent? Worse, what if I am wrong? 

This is where I am, and probably where I will be for awhile. I apologize that I cannot be a guru who can provide you with another clear path to healing. Healing is such a beautiful word on the surface, but there is so much more underneath. Do I actually need to heal? Can I endure the pain needed for healing? Will the healing be worth it? And then finally, how do I heal? All these questions are something we can explore in our sessions together, one step at a time.